


One Crazy Theory

by dramatisecho



Series: 1-Sitting One-Shots [2]
Category: Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Bad Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, One Shot Collection, Secret Identity, Short One Shot, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:30:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7858210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramatisecho/pseuds/dramatisecho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade isn't necessarily as dumb as people think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Crazy Theory

**Author's Note:**

> Just a random text exchange. Post-Civil War after a few years.

 

Is this Peter Benjamin Parker? DP  
  
_..And you just happen to know my full name, why? PP_  
  
You live with May Parker over in Queens? DP  
  
Or, used to? DP

 _Yes. This is he. PP_  
  
_Who are you? PP_  
  
Oh good!  <3 So you would be the very same Petey-pie who takes those glorious pin-ups of Spiderman? DP  
  
_It's half_ of _my job, yes. I guess you read the paper. PP_  
  
Eh. Not really. Unless I'm in it. DP

 _Right. PP_  
  
_How did you even get my number? PP_

Ohhh I've got my clever ways =^.^= DP

_Do you want pictures of Spiderman then? Because other-wise, I can't help you. PP_

Well I was thinkin'... being such a fan of your work and all... you're one lucky bug-a-lug to constantly be taking glamour shots of Spidey. DP  
  
Pretty majorly awesome coincidence you are always right there. Lens at the ready. Perfect shot for the win. DP  
  
_I'm a rather skilled photographer. PP_  
  
Yeah? DP  
  
_Yes. That's why the paper hired me. PP_  
  
_I take it you like Spiderman, then? Big fan? PP_  
  
Obvi. DP  
  
And I've got a pretty crazy theory about you. DP  
  
My Mercenary powers of deduction are buzzzzzzzing. DP  
  
_Yeah? And what's your theory? PP_  
  
That... YOU KNOW SPIDERMAN! DP  
  
You're bros. You text and giggle and gossip about New York's finest. DP  
  
_You could definitely say that. I mean, I guess I know him. Better than most. PP_  
  
Knew it. DP  
  
So!?!?!?! DP  
  
_So... what? He's just Spiderman. PP_  
  
Scoff. First of all: he's not "just" Spiderman, he's THE Spiderman. DP  
  
And second: has he ever said anything about me????  <3 DP  
  
_Well, I don't know who you are, so I'll go with no? PP_  
  
Oh dear, where are my manners? DP  
  
I'm Deadpool :) DP  
  
Or in Japan, I'm "Red Death Panda" DP  
  
Which has a nice ring to it, but all my cards already say Deadpool. DP  
  
_[Delay] You're kidding. PP_  
  
Nope! DP  
  
_He's uh- ... mentioned you I guess. PP_  
  
Oh. Em. Geeeeeee! DP  
  
That's great! DP  
  
I'm a big fan of his. He's so kawaii. DP  
  
I mean, the first few times I met him, we fought. I even threw him off the Brooklyn bridge. DP  
  
Bygones though, right? DP  
  
_Trust me, I haven't forgotten. PP_  
  
_You_ haven't forgotten? DP  
  
_I mean, he told me about that. And it was on the news? PP_  
  
Dang. I missed it on the news? I like to tape my television appearances. DP  
  
It's like a demo real. DP

 _Yeah, the news. PP_  
  
Ok but SINCE then we've chatted and stuff. Sometimes. DP  
  
I mean, he kinda hates me. But everyone does. DP

And sometimes I make him laugh <3 DP  
  
I wanna know if he's warmin' up to me. DP  
  
_Warming up to you. Right. PP_  
  
_Well, I can't exactly say that. PP_  
  
_Privacy, you know? PP_  
  
...So that's a no? DP  
  
He's still kinda mad? DP  
  
_I'll just assume he still has bruises. And you aggravate him. PP_  
  
Aw nuts. DP  
  
Guess it was too good to be true. DP  
  
_Maybe you should tone it down? PP_  
  
Impossible! I'm the Merc with the Mouth. DP  
  
Chattering constantly and distracting my opponents is half the fun of this job! DP  
  
It's genius. And you _know_ it works, too. DP  
  
I've heard you smack-talking and chattering away to your opponents too! DP  
  
Admit it. You're a lil'sasifrass. DP  
  
_That's the method! PP_  
  
_It just keeps them distracted until the cops show up! PP_  
  
Oh no no no, no. There's a difference between banter _after_ they are subdued, and babbling _while_ fighting. DP  
  
He does both. DP  
  
It's adorable. DP  
  
So chatty. DP  
  
We should be bros. DP  
  
He's like a more subdued, nicer, less-violent PG13 version of me. DP  
  
_I don't think I'm /anything/ like you. PP_  
  
Pfft. Not you, nerd. DP  
  
Obviously. DP  
  
Spidey, I mean. DP  
  
_...I, uh. Right. I don't think he's anything like you either. PP_  
  
 :) DP  
  
I was curious if I could actually work my verbal gymnastics on you, and get you to admit to me what I think we both know. DP  
  
And it kinda worked  <3 DP  
  
_I don't know what you're talking about. PP_  
  
Uh huh. DP  
  
Me neither. DP  
  
 ;) DP  
  
_Clearly. PP_  
  
I'm hungry. DP  
  
Wanna grab some food, baby boy? DP  
  
_Why do you always call me that? PP_  
  
Mmm. Do I? DP  
  
I always call Spidey that. DP  
  
I believe this is the first time we've "spoken". DP  
  
_You called me that earlier? PP_  
  
_...Right? PP_  
  
I just scrolled up. Definitely didn't. DP  
  
_Oh. I guess I'm wrong. PP_  
  
HA! DP

Aw. I just wanna cuddle hug you and smoosh your adorable face! DP  
  
_You don't even know what I look like. And we've never met. PP_  
  
Not without a layer of spandex between us. Nope. DP  
  
I respect your privacy. DP  
  
I'm sorry I threw you off that bridge. DP  
  
If I'd know how old you really were, I woulda stopped. DP  
  
Not cool to pick on kids. DP  
  
_...I'm not a kid. PP_  
  
Fine. Teenager. DP  
  
_Forget about the bridge thing. I never hit the water anyways. PP_  
  
Phew. DP  
  
Although I'm sure you in wet spandex woulda been a sight. DP  
  
_You left right afterwords. PP_  
  
Sure did. DP  
  
_You wouldn't have seen me anyways. PP_  
  
We'll have a waterballoon fight next time we meet, k? DP  
  
_Or we won't. I'm not a fan of water. PP_  
  
Because your ancestors got washed off the Great Waterspout? DP  
  
_Funny. PP_  
  
I'm here all night! DP

I was  _bitten_ not born from a spider, by the way. So no, it wasn't my ancestors in the nursery rhyme. PP  
  
P-Titty, it was a joke. DP  
  
I'm sure your origin story is way cooler. DP  
  
_Eh, not really. PP_  
  
_But, yeah. Better than coming out of a spider. PP_  
  
Less gross, too. DP

I don't think anyone would want to start life by emerging out of a spider sac. DP

Sounds terrifying. DP

Can you make sacs, Pete? DP

_I'm not texting you anymore. PP_

_Can I please go back to work? PP_

Oh? More selfies? DP

I'll take pictures of you. For free. DP

_Thanks, I'm good you creepo. PP_

Fine. I'll just continue to take secret pictures of you when you're not looking. DP

_...Wow, Wade. Livin' up to that 'creepo' thing for real, huh? PP_

Eeeee! You know my real name <3 DP

_You're not quiet about it. PP_

_Everyone knows your name. PP_

The world is my "Cheers!" DP

Wanna be the Diane to my Sam? DP

You're prissy and arrogant and smarter than me. It'll be perfect. DP

We could cosplay it too, probably. I'm sure I have a blonde wig kickin' around somewhere. DP

_....What the fluff are you even **talking** about?! PP_

Aw. What the 'fluff'. DP

You're so CUTE! xoxoxox DP

_Goodbye, Wade. PP_

I'll txt you later, baby boy ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ DP

 


End file.
